rough

The last week has been rough. Tensions are high. Sleep is minimal. I think we're all emotionally drained.

And Shane, our poor, sweet little boy, all too often lately, ends up being a "casualty" in all of this. Breaks my heart. He's 3. He should have Mommy and Daddy's undivided attention, and many times, most times, our attention is anything but undivided.

Recovery on Chris is harder this time around, I think because the two procedures were done so close together, he didn't have time to completely heal from the first go around. Watching him struggle is an internal battle for me, and lately, parts of every day find me, find us, in tears. The weight loss continues, the feet continue to swell, sleep is still hard to come by, and lately, the life is gone from his eyes. He looks like a man in desperate need of a break. A break from the pain, the treatment, the recovery. Yet we know there are a few more steps we need to walk before that break will happen. That's tough on all of us.

Chris has said that most days he feels like he's just surviving. He's not living. And it's the living part he wants to get back to -we all do - and we will, no doubt. But the road is much rockier and much longer than we had imagined.

Things we used to love to do get pushed aside to make room for the things we need to do, namely, to heal. All of us. Inside and out. My therapist tells me that it's important to not let go of the things that make us, us. The photography. The walks on the beach. The trips to the children's museum. The walks thru the park with the dogs. The family vacations. The Sunday drives. The sporting events. All the things that make our family who we are - they're the things we seem to be letting go off and it's high time we regain control and welcome these things, our things, back into our life. Perhaps that is when the healing will really begin.